Lunar Shade Press

this is an edited excerpt from yesterday's journaling:

And it’s a hollow, dark space that spills out before me. A space of missing. A space where an open mouth never gets fed. And I am dancing around this mouth, seeking to correct the vision that has made all go wrong. All gone wrong, and dance on the teeth, unafraid of what comes in or out of that mouth. A tongue tied or as sharp as a knife. Do I place sugar on the soles of my feet? Or salt? Am I dancing to remember or to let go? Both? Both. In remembering the true state of my soul, untouched by time and yet filled with experience, I am released of the burdens that have the names belonging to the victims I’ve been. Belonging to the victimizers I’ve been. Some sort of balance on the edge of the teeth, freeing the past and healing the present. The future is a memory I can’t quite reach and its name is forgiveness.

I can own the world like I own this sentence, my space in it. I don’t need to convince anyone to let me in, because I can travel in my own space. Maybe that looks like a dance or a song. Maybe I dance now (literally) to allow myself the room to be here and not in the shadow of the favor of others. That empty mouth, dark with wanting. Feed me, feed me, feed me- or else I will scream and bite. No threats today – just the air, the breath passing through my lips to rest for a moment or two in my lungs. Just this life connected to this world without apologies, fear or denial.

tonite i did something very different. i went out. AND had a good time. i forfeited a night of Dollhouse with friends to see Sewn Leather- this one man band I had heard on KRUI. i heard this song called "shadows" and i called up the station to find out who this was- and it turned out this band/dude, Sewn Leather, was playing at a house party. yeah- i never go to house parties either cuz i'm mostly old enough to be everyone's dad at those things. and i don't drink or get wacky with the tobacky- so i can easily feel like the odd man out. but i was so smart to follow that instinct that begged me to break out of my norm. I also got to hear a couple of cool opening solo gigs and DJ Dog Dick as well- who happens to be from Baltimore- a personal note of irony considering I had seriously considered moving there.

anyway, the show was awesome. i had a great time just letting go and getting into the music and sound vibrations. DJ Dog Dick is what I would term experimental electronic/a. and Sewn Leather has very strong goth industrial edges all around it and in it. Sewn Leather really hit what i needed. i walked home repeatiing outloud to no one in particular, "that was the shit!"

so i'll provide a couple of clips here from youtube, although live is always better in these situations. i think it healed my soul.

so, hello. it's been awhile i know. facebook has kind of ruined my blogging. but i hope to rectify that.

this winter i was kind of slumpy and had a hard time getting motivated to do much of anything. but that seems to be changing as spring keeps trying to make it's presence known.

one of the cool things that i've done lately, is make this video that'd i'd love for you to check out. it was filmed on April 3rd, the day the Iowa Supreme Court legalized gay marriage.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VC33i6uFxPM

from my journal on 2/30/09

hello and I’ve sat here for a million years

looking out these same windows.

all the faces that pass by, they are like

the window pane-

smooth and untouchable at a distance.

i travel from my mind and rest myself

on the tops of people’s heads.

i see from their view

but can’t understand what they see,

nor the endless choices they make.

i am like the walls of a building,

the structure that houses life

but can have none of it without

the company of others.

they file in and file out- touch my lining

and I shiver to hear the warm

beneath their  finger skins.

this is not a house of rejection;

i see your pain and it is forgiven.

all the heavy thoughts you carry,

bury them here with me now,

and walk back into the world unburdened,

knowing they were never yours to bear.

a million years have gone by

 and there are lines on my belly

 and around the face of my listening.

i wave out from this foundation,

extending all sensors

to pick up a pulse-

someone who’s waiting for a rescue.

dead ends discourage and infuriate.

i understand.

but I press my hand into your longings

and form keys from my silver skin

to open the doors you had long abandoned.

i am a pulse, i am a signal and i am

searching for you.

i know you beyond the encoding of your name.

i feel you glimmer on heaven’s wind

and this is where I find you-

twisted down into the shape of man, yes

and sacred woman-

but I see the idea that you were born to be.

your face is the map i unlock as i

look into the well of your heart

and hear what it is you’ve been

afraid of saying.

from some random journaling while at work today- i give partial credit to the amazing organic soy au lait:

i've got this dream inside this coffe cup and i remember those early days with a head of red and a pen that punctured poems into paper. dreams- 100 thousand of them, and look where i am with a brick in one hand and mortar in the other- trying to repair this house and fix the antenna for better reception.

i can romanticize away those older days of hair with red flames, but i was buried and i could barely breath. i laughed through my teeth, through my death and yes, there was never enough. she haunts me still, that old girl who drained the blood from the pretty boys' necks and stirred in the cream just to be polite. but we've all gone forty, and some still speak thirty- but the longing stays the same even on the coat rack, in the closet, tucked neatly in the bottom drawer.

it was the time of bagels with cream cheese and even before Caffeine Dreams- 13th St. was my domain. and i'd tell Summer how i'd take my coffee and how much i'd pay. those Dirt Cheap days with Terrence and thoughts of Renee.

it was those early Artist Way days with Tori tearing her heart out for big pay and chalk pastels of my inner selves lined up on the walls of Eric's spare room. cheap rent and fridays out at art gallery openings. dreaming of a bigger day, a bigger day, but hopeless against the impluse to shrink down to an affordable size for strangers to sip from on the sides as i walked down the streets in rage.

I watched Alice at the Palace last night. It is the broadway production of Alice in Wonderland with Meryl Streep as Alice from 1982. It was just magical all the way through. There is an amazing song at the end that really hit my heart. I encourage everyone to watch the whole production, but if nothing else, step into a moment of the magic by watching this clip.

Said the Unicorn to Alice: "Well, now that we seen each other, if you believe in me, I'll believe in you. Is that a bargain?"

This last Saturday, Monica the Amazing threw a crepe party for all of the Sagitarians in the clan. She creped away while friends and family filled up those delicious delights with bananas, strawberries, blueberries, nutella and homemade whipped cream (yuuuuum!!) - to name some of the goodies spread out on the table. So here are some pics from that party as well as some pics from the walk back home.

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Good lord! It's been almost a month since I've updated!

in brief:
i finally caved and joined facebook under the pretense that it would be good for networking professionally- and now, yes, I am addicted to the damn facecrack just like most of it's users. once my laptop is out of the shop, i'm sure i'll be finding all the special features that everyone else uses that i'm still clueless about.

i'm doing the Artist's Way with a group of friends and it's been truly amazing. this is about the 5th or 6th time i've gone through this course, and it is hitting me so deep this time around. surrendering to play, to love, being loved, letting go of perfectionism and learning to trust God/the Universe has been the core of this unfolding. just amazing.

i'm still crafting away, but i am also now letting myself paint on canvas, which has been great.

as much as i am wanting to form creative alliances that involve community, i am in a space right now where my inner world is being healed and restructured- so i hope to do some more community stylee work with video after the new year.

i am also letting go of false friends who don't really know how to support me, but sure do know how pour there stories in my ear and feed off my support. seems to be a re-occurring lesson- but i guess somethings you just learn in stages. and i can also let these people go and still wish them well- not bad people, just not good for me.

and that is it for now! life is singing through the snow and all the world turns to into a choir of crystal.

Kman

So my laptop is up and running at the moment, but I can tell I'm going to have to take it in again- a long story but just an FYI if my communications go patchy again.

For Halloween I made my own costume, which was really quite a celebration for me in itself. I re-configured these two shirts into one and used some of the fabric from one into the detailing of the pants. The inspiration for the costume came from my comic book writer friend, Shane who has this idea about a world where everyone one was a super hero- or at least dressed like one, regardless if any one had powers or not. "Superhero chic," he calls it. So here is  my interpretation of that (you may need to click on the picture in order to read the textboxes):

Glyphton3(2)wnotes

Glyphton5wnotes

Hello all!

Still on a high from welcoming Barack Obama as our new president? Here is something else you can feel good about: Janine Benyus gives a 23 minute lecture at a TED conference showing how biomimicry can solve so many industrial problems while preserving and restoring our dying environment. Check it out and keep the faith!