3 posts tagged “healing”
this is an edited excerpt from yesterday's journaling:
And it’s a hollow, dark space that spills out before me. A space of missing. A space where an open mouth never gets fed. And I am dancing around this mouth, seeking to correct the vision that has made all go wrong. All gone wrong, and dance on the teeth, unafraid of what comes in or out of that mouth. A tongue tied or as sharp as a knife. Do I place sugar on the soles of my feet? Or salt? Am I dancing to remember or to let go? Both? Both. In remembering the true state of my soul, untouched by time and yet filled with experience, I am released of the burdens that have the names belonging to the victims I’ve been. Belonging to the victimizers I’ve been. Some sort of balance on the edge of the teeth, freeing the past and healing the present. The future is a memory I can’t quite reach and its name is forgiveness.
I can own
the world like I own this sentence, my space in it. I don’t need to convince
anyone to let me in, because I can travel in my own space. Maybe that looks
like a dance or a song. Maybe I dance now (literally) to allow myself the room to be here
and not in the shadow of the favor of others. That empty mouth, dark with
wanting. Feed me, feed me, feed me- or else I will scream and bite. No threats
today – just the air, the breath passing through my lips to rest for a moment
or two in my lungs. Just this life connected to this world without apologies,
fear or denial.
Good lord! It's been almost a month since I've updated!
in brief:
i finally caved and joined facebook under the pretense that it would be good for networking professionally- and now, yes, I am addicted to the damn facecrack just like most of it's users. once my laptop is out of the shop, i'm sure i'll be finding all the special features that everyone else uses that i'm still clueless about.
i'm doing the Artist's Way with a group of friends and it's been truly amazing. this is about the 5th or 6th time i've gone through this course, and it is hitting me so deep this time around. surrendering to play, to love, being loved, letting go of perfectionism and learning to trust God/the Universe has been the core of this unfolding. just amazing.
i'm still crafting away, but i am also now letting myself paint on canvas, which has been great.
as much as i am wanting to form creative alliances that involve community, i am in a space right now where my inner world is being healed and restructured- so i hope to do some more community stylee work with video after the new year.
i am also letting go of false friends who don't really know how to support me, but sure do know how pour there stories in my ear and feed off my support. seems to be a re-occurring lesson- but i guess somethings you just learn in stages. and i can also let these people go and still wish them well- not bad people, just not good for me.
and that is it for now! life is singing through the snow and all the world turns to into a choir of crystal.
Kman
This is from this morning's journal. I turned 39 on the 14th. It was a very good birthday- I enjoyed my day. Then last night I went out to dinner with friends to celebrate the last year of my 30s with friends. It was such an enjoyable night for everyone, and I love that. So this morning, I was reflecting on the "graduation" from youth to maturation:
39 years old. people still guess me in my twenties, though. my hands look older to me. that is freaky. it is freaky when I see the skin of my body looking older and know that there is no going back. no grace around that. but you know, fuck it. life is a journey. and I like what Gen said last night. that she is always surprised by people who’s vice is life. and I didn’t get what she meant at first. and it was in reference to not drinking- that I don’t indulge anymore. and I don’t know that life is my vice- I would say that healing is my “vice.” it is the thing I come back to again and again, the thing that draws me repeatedly, turns me on and makes my life worth living. healing. life is hard for me, I don’t- I am still learning how to enjoy it- enjoy myself, the world- forgive and move on. but it is the thing I am repeatedly drawn back to, to work on. I want life to be my vice- not fear. maybe fear is my vice. no, that’s not a vice- it is an old habit, but not a vice. it is something being healed. something that is loosening up and shifting out. and I love that. it is what I write about. that self-destructive part being recognized for what it is. seeing it in action and calling it out for what it is. how crucial and critical. it is so very critical and catching it is critical. it is woven deeply into every action I take, every thought I have. but then, there are moments when it is turned off- when I am able to turn it off. not engage it. tell it to shut up and it does. those moments are alien and beautiful. those are the moments that I seek to foster, building them into a lifetime. making those moments the norm and the fearful moments unusual. that is what I seek. less thinking, more knowing. more trust. trust of self, life, others, the world. trust. trust without fear. action without condemnation. death to double-thinking. yes, where I am not rushing ahead and not looking behind.
maybe at 40 I will start a bath of spiritual discipline that allows me to confront these self-destructive habits in a more systematic way. right now it is done through journaling, art, and conversation with friends. maybe I’ll become a Buddhist. or I’ll just find my own way of addressing it that is more effective. or maybe it will be more of the same- building on what I have already discovered works for me. but I have this sense of committing to something greater. that there is this opening at 40 where I lay the bullshit aside and dive in excitedly to what it is I want to do- no holding back. like, this is the time, the time is now. I will meditate, do yoga, whatever- without hesitation or debate. it is like, “hey, this works- use it.” no trying to wiggle out of the extra “work” which is actually just life- self-love. I like the notion of that. it feels good and it feels right. and it may not magically all come together at 40, but I can feel it coming. and I welcome the transformation.
