4 posts tagged “life”
"Kat be nimble, Kat be quick"- I'm doing the mambo with a limbo stick. And by that I mean the feeling of limbo that I've been experiencing after graduation. I'm sure it is fairly common. The deal is I'm still in Iowa City, looking out to the East- but the future is still cloudy. What next? How soon? What to do?
David from Bmore came to visit last Thursday and we had a really great time- having dinner with friends- and of course Gen and Alex dazzled and delighted all with their exquisite cuisine. But while sitting at the dinner table surrounded by my beautiful, loving and supportive Iowa City friends, Baltimore started feeling like a scary uncertainty. Not "bad"- just so new and devoid of all the comforts I've accumulated here in Iowa City. It really made the idea of loss of my current life hard to think about.
Over the course of a few days, I've realized that I do not have to rush off to Baltimore by a certain time in a certain way with absolutes that I must achieve once I get there. After processing lots of feelings and thoughts with friends, I've realized that I can wrap things up here in Iowa City a day at a time. I can just stay open to the moment while things unfold- I don't have to go rushing off to a future life just because I have graduated. I can put the pieces together gradually, rather than searching for an instant outline of "what's next." What's next is this moment, and then this moment, and then the one after that. I will continue to research things in Baltimore but while doing so, I will enjoy taking care of the immediate business of life in Iowa City. I so dearly love my friends here. As much as I am excited by the prospects of a future life of art and activism, I am also enjoying the all the fruits that have blossomed for me over the past three and a half years here in Iowa City. I want to savor and share them for as long as possible.
So Baltimore is still on my horizon, as far as I know. But I am also going to check out some other cities just so I have somethings to compare and contrast. What with this being my life and all, I don't have to sell myself short by getting attached to ideals. There is a lot of room for movement and new possibilities. I want to listen to what they all have to say and then go dancing with the ones that promise the most fun, the most growth and the most progressive, healthy change. I am content to wait and listen until I hear that laughter riding against my front door. Then I can step out with confidence that the flow of new life is with me- and not get tangled in expectations set on ideals. That just sounds like a lot more fun- and much more friendly.
So there it is. I'm still in IA City- and will be for part, if not all of the summer. Keep your love flowing this way and I will return it with a hug.
Kman
so old now am i. not really. really I am a blink in the eye of an eon. not even a thought. the echo of a thought at best. but here I am. in this body, in this life. and youth streams by me. youth who have no memory of 40- 40 years. what it feels like, what it looks like on the bones, on the face. they are nubile. they are stupid. they are brilliant in their innocence, like little rockets that light up the sky with stupid exuberance over the slightest stimuli. and I don’t say “stupid” as a way to demean. I was stupid, too. stupid in my disconnection from the tuggings of the earth, the songs spiraling downward from the stars. beneath this face, this frame of a life, there is a soul untouched by this world, yet collecting all the knowledge, wisdom and experienced gathered from the ventures taken here. this soul, I meet it more easily now in my older skin. I fight it less, understand it just a little better. I am not perfect. I am not impermeable. I am so vulnerable, so mutable, so unaware of all that is. but I know this now. my ignorance is a shield that has been filled full of holes. and through these holes, sunlight bleeds through reminding me of a picture far vaster than I can see now with the eyes in my head and the touch of my heart.
sitting in coffee shops, I watch youth stroll in and sit down. their taunt skin reflecting the glow of track lighting. it is such a parade to me. I know that this is a parade of souls, a testimony to reincarnation. I, now approaching 40, having avoided, fought for, ran from, embraced whole heartedly life and all it’s treacherous surprises- I see these young souls bobbing around as if it is all new, that this is the one life they’ve only had. and I see myself in them. and in seeing myself in them, I realize that this is a parade. that it is an endless parade. that as soon as we come to the end of the parade, we jump back in at the beginning of it. and we march through it again wearing a different costume, a different face, a different life. right now, I have been marching for almost 40 years. and I wake up from a dream, right it down and try to hear what it is telling me. they tell me- “don’t live your life through your past- don’t act as if you are who you once were. you are only a ghost when you believe it- it is then that you perceive it, and the circles continues.” so even as a 40 year old male, who is childless and single, who has learned so much, yet not the lessons that a child teaches its parent- it does not mean Peter Pan forever. although, yes, I feel only just this side of 18 despite my age- it does not mean that we wear the wounds of our youth as a badge or as a prism. a prism that fragments the now into separate realities marked by time and pain. instead the experiences coalesce into one bright beam of light. the binding of my experiences into the present allows me to continue the march in full stride- no regrets, no fears, only feet moving to the beat and banner in the air- “I am here! I am here!” and no one needs to forgive me for that.
so at the moment, it is 6:20pm. i worked at the parking ramp today and it was super duper slow. which was great. i worked on some minor rewrites on the first half of a musical that i've been writing forever. but the first half feels very solid now. i'll have a good friend who is a great writer look at it and get some additional feedback.
tomorrow i am leaving to visit my friends in Omaha. specifically to see Brandon, but i think this is going to be a bit of an "old home week" for me with friends i haven't seen for awhile. it will be good to get reconnected to people and share our little life stories.
tonite i will work out, wash some clothes, force myself to do some cleaning, and get ready for the trip tomorrow.
iowa city feels very empty at the moment. graduation is over and many of the kids are gone. i would say a vast majority. and initially this feels sad, cuz i feel like i should be going off somewhere for the summer as well- for an internship or a lengthy vacation. and it is in this way that my life feels a bit constrained. but in reality, i am following my flow and things are moving just as they should. but oh how the grass can look so green sometimes on the other side of the flexible fence that contains my life.
Kman
This is from this morning's journal. I turned 39 on the 14th. It was a very good birthday- I enjoyed my day. Then last night I went out to dinner with friends to celebrate the last year of my 30s with friends. It was such an enjoyable night for everyone, and I love that. So this morning, I was reflecting on the "graduation" from youth to maturation:
39 years old. people still guess me in my twenties, though. my hands look older to me. that is freaky. it is freaky when I see the skin of my body looking older and know that there is no going back. no grace around that. but you know, fuck it. life is a journey. and I like what Gen said last night. that she is always surprised by people who’s vice is life. and I didn’t get what she meant at first. and it was in reference to not drinking- that I don’t indulge anymore. and I don’t know that life is my vice- I would say that healing is my “vice.” it is the thing I come back to again and again, the thing that draws me repeatedly, turns me on and makes my life worth living. healing. life is hard for me, I don’t- I am still learning how to enjoy it- enjoy myself, the world- forgive and move on. but it is the thing I am repeatedly drawn back to, to work on. I want life to be my vice- not fear. maybe fear is my vice. no, that’s not a vice- it is an old habit, but not a vice. it is something being healed. something that is loosening up and shifting out. and I love that. it is what I write about. that self-destructive part being recognized for what it is. seeing it in action and calling it out for what it is. how crucial and critical. it is so very critical and catching it is critical. it is woven deeply into every action I take, every thought I have. but then, there are moments when it is turned off- when I am able to turn it off. not engage it. tell it to shut up and it does. those moments are alien and beautiful. those are the moments that I seek to foster, building them into a lifetime. making those moments the norm and the fearful moments unusual. that is what I seek. less thinking, more knowing. more trust. trust of self, life, others, the world. trust. trust without fear. action without condemnation. death to double-thinking. yes, where I am not rushing ahead and not looking behind.
maybe at 40 I will start a bath of spiritual discipline that allows me to confront these self-destructive habits in a more systematic way. right now it is done through journaling, art, and conversation with friends. maybe I’ll become a Buddhist. or I’ll just find my own way of addressing it that is more effective. or maybe it will be more of the same- building on what I have already discovered works for me. but I have this sense of committing to something greater. that there is this opening at 40 where I lay the bullshit aside and dive in excitedly to what it is I want to do- no holding back. like, this is the time, the time is now. I will meditate, do yoga, whatever- without hesitation or debate. it is like, “hey, this works- use it.” no trying to wiggle out of the extra “work” which is actually just life- self-love. I like the notion of that. it feels good and it feels right. and it may not magically all come together at 40, but I can feel it coming. and I welcome the transformation.
